I was rejected for four jobs in the past two weeks. This is good thing, because at least recruiters are seeing my resume and giving me calls. This is bad thing, because it is so demoralizing. But you know, my previous job was frustrating, stressful, and demoralizing too. So what can you do?
Look, I am basically not qualified to work anywhere at this point. I’m over-educated in the wrong disciplines. I have too much experience in the wrong jobs. I have too little experience. I am not an expert in this particular software. I hate lawyers, generally. I hate the legal field in a macro sense. Furthermore, my hygiene is atrocious. My fingernails are bite weary. I am frumpy. I’m fat. I’m toasty brown. I come from the dry lands of West Texas. I’m flippant. I’m badly, badly polished. Badly polished. Like I’m so socially awkward, inelegant and unrefined that I’m practically gauche. Gauche y’all! I will not do.
I am planning to move on. I just want to bitch about the application process for the position I was just rejected for. It was a temporary position as a eDiscovery Attorney. The listed duties included leading a team of document reviewers, conducting quality control of said reviewer’s documents, and groveling beneath the shining intelligence of the real attorney, i.e. some dewy skinned first year right out of Southern Methodist University Law School (the Harvard Law School of Texas.)**
The position was advertised as scheduled to last three to six months. I took that to mean that it would last, at most, four months, but only if you were good. I didn’t think I perfectly qualified, but I am getting bored staying at home all day, so I applied any ways. In retrospect, I probably didn’t qualify at all, since I’m bitter, brilliant, and bulbous, but like you never know, right? Truth is I figured, I could do it. I suffer from an extraordinary case of “that job isn’t rocket science, quit treating it like it is, you insufferable person”-itis.”
So after I submitted the application, a recruiter contacted me via email to set up a call.
On the day of the call, I was actually working on a temporary document review, so I had to go outside to take the call. I chatted the recruiter. He was very nice and understanding, even though we were conducting the call surrounded by the noises of careening traffic and an impending thunderstorm. Anyhow, I was sort of honest, I did lead a team of document reviewers once.
The next day, I had a skype call with the recruiter. It also went well. At the end, my new best guy friend basically said I would be submitted for the job. This induced me to agree to 1. fill out a long ass application, 2. submit my details for a background search, and 3. contact my references. Also, he told me the hourly rate, which was more than fair.
Hold on, backing up here…
Read I didn’t think I was going actually GET THE JOB. I thought I was filling out reams of paperwork, allowing strangers to search through my credit and criminal reports, and bothering my references, in order the chance – the mere, fucking chance – to get an interview for a three month contract position! Think about that. Let that fucking sink in. This took another day. For a 3 month temporary position as a glorified document review attorney!
But, because I’m an optimistic dumbass, I I figured I was a lock on interviewing with the client. I mean he told me I would be submitted! Again, what kind of dumbass am I that I actually believe a recruiter? Am I 20 years old? Am I sitting in a meeting with other dumbasses hoping to sell Cut-Co knives door to door? Am I?! Well, that was me, but that’s not me anymore because I’m fucking almost 40 years old.
Today, he calls me and says something like*, “Nope…we are totally not going to submit your sorry ass, because we literally found other people who are way more qualified than you. Also you’re a complete fucktard for filling out the paperwork, the background check, and allowing us to bother your references. Also, for your information honey, did you actually contact your references? Because they really think you’re a retard. And really, even though it’s 2018 and we’ve collectively agreed as a progressive society to stop calling people retarded in polite society, I’ve got to say that I tend to agree that you, my dear, are a retard. Have a nice day.”
*Not verbatim; my blog, my liberties with reality.
** Not really a thing, no.