Damn it, Sir Montgomery! You had to go there. You couldn’t leave well enough alone. No, you had to insert yourself into a matter, which, ultimately, you could not handle.
Grant it, it did all end well. You were rescued, bathed, fed, and well-cared for. But, did you ever think, for a second about the heartache that your absence caused? Oh yes, Sir Montgomery, there were tears! Tears flowed, freely and with anguish. There were lamentations of loss and grief.
Oh and what else? The neighborhood was thoroughly scoured. Brigades of humanity were informed of your disappearance. Man hours were spent on the search for you, Sir Jasper Montgomery.
Ah, yet, this was an adventure for you after all. This was a little break from your otherwise humdrum and regimented life. A life of leisure, yes, but also a life of predictability. Given your youth among the sheep and hills of Yorkshire, I am want to understand your desire for adventure. But, Sir Montgomery, isn’t your youthful indiscretion the very reason you were cast out of Yorkshire?
An adventure. Oh yes, to be sure, it was but a jaunt around the trails and wilds of Katy, Texas. What could possibly go wrong? Death? Destruction? Fleas?
No matter, all is well. But, Sir Montgomery, what happened to your companion? What, pray tell, happened to that golden maned chap who was, no doubt, the instigator in all this madness? Did you even catch his name? Oh dear, what possessed you to run off with that rough and abrupt caller? His good looks? His unbridled enthusiasm? Where you attempting to impress Miss. Chase, per chance?
There you go, Sir Montgomery, blaming others. You say that it was Miss Chase all along. That she, upon spying the blond mane of the caller, scampered exuberantly outside and attempted to “head butt” (your words) her way out of the fence. I ask you, Sir Montgomery, as your friend, how likely is that?
You, too, were curious about the blond maned caller. I heard him too. To be sure, his exclamations had be alarming. But that’s what they were – alarming. To you however, they were sweet nothings. I cannot imagine the honey tinged words that he used to induce you to abandon all caution and good sense and leave the safety of our humble abode.
But leave, you did Sir Montgomery. You, no doubt, emerged from behind the loose board in a triumph, excited by the adventure to come. Like a siren the blond haired caller had lured you. Like a silly fool, you obliged him.
What came next was shear and utter folly. You and he rushing about the trails and wilds like mad beasts. To and fro. To and fro with not a care in the world. Madness!
Until darkness began to descend, that is, and then what seemed like a holiday jaunt became more sinister. The lights of the mechanical beasts and the roar of their ungodly engines became frightening. You no longer felt buoyed by the wonder of the world outside your home. There were suddenly dangers everywhere. Monuments and artifacts became unfamiliar. As you and your companion drew further and further away from home the scents of urine and feces became less familiar and, as a result, less comforting. Your excitement began to wane.
You found yourself flummoxed and afraid. You suddenly felt tired. It was getting on towards dinner time. Ah, but your companion, that mangy beast, he urged you to continue on. Your doubts, however, began to grow. You began to look about for a way to leave that vile siren. It would be fun, the beast had said. And, it had been fun, but that feeling had been eroded by hunger and worry.
Alas, you and the vile caller, came upon a creek that rushed with muddy waters. In your despair, you looked up to see your savior – a woman. A stranger, to be sure, but a friendly one. She beckoned you toward her. Briefly, you glanced at your companion. He had no use for a human stranger. But you did.
And so you are home now. Back from your fleeting adventure. Back to the comfort of a good, stinky blanket. Welcome back, good Sir.
Your Ever Lasting Butt Buddy,