I have an awesome smartwatch. It came with a pedometer app. At first, I was like “suck it, pedometer app! You suck. I work out enough.” Slowly though, like a siren urging Odysseus off his ship, the silent, green judgment of the pedometer screen has been calling to me.
First, for some reason, it has my stats. Now I swear, I don’t remember entering my stats, but it has them. It knows, mysteriously somehow, that I’m a 30 something year old fat lady. It must have been hacked by some nefarious do-gooder.
Second, and here’s the kicker, it gets mad if I don’t stand up and walk around after an hour. It’s a really passive aggressive little fucker too. It snoozes. So I’m humming along through my day. Sitting on my ass. Typing and analyzing and being productive and then I look down and there, on my wrist, is the pedometer app. And it’s proudly displaying the number of steps I’ve managed to trudge through so far – like 300 or so. Shit, and it’s only noon! But also, right above that large, glowing number, are z’s. Just a lot of z’s, ’cause it’s snoozing.
See. Sleepy ol’ pedometer app. I know though, somehow, that it wants me to wake it up. It gives me coy nudges like that. The damn thing is challenging me.
So I’ve decided to take the little fucker’s challenge. Yes, I’ve ripped off the cords tying my ass to my seat and have jumped into the cold water of the reality of walking around my office every hour like a moron. I get up every hour and act all cool like I’m gonna go to the bathroom. And I do. I do go to the bathroom, because I usually drink a lot of water and I have to pee. But also, I walk laps around the office.
My office has an open floor plan – no offices, no cubicles. People just sit there, pretending to work, but really, they’re staring at you. So I try to walk with a purposeful gait, like I’m actually trying to accomplish something. Maybe I’m going to a meeting. Maybe I’m going to the bathroom. Maybe I’d like some of that cake there. You know that cake that you brought for Kim’s birthday. The one with the cream cheese frosting. That looks good. Look’s like there’s some left over. Yes, I’m purposeful for cake. Hey, is that seat taken?
Food – (Boring)
Anyhow, today I ate an almond butter sandwich for breakfast, a salad for lunch, and some salmon and a baked potato with copious amounts of butter and sour cream for dinner. Also, I ate lots of cashews as a snack.
Work Out –
None. I failed at hitting 10,000 steps because of cake or something. I forget. Also we finally found that stupid mouse that has been tormenting me forever since November. He’s dead now. He was a stinky motherfucker. So between cleaning that mess up and making dinner, I didn’t get to my workout today. Here’s to the morning.
10k challenge – 8749 steps (Bummer)